Empty quiet spaces, a daughter moaned to herself, tired of all the fighting, the guilt and the crying one day. And she covered her ears with her hands because the silence rang loud in her head, just like it did when her brothers were young, and their father would be in the house. So many years of hoping that God would step in and fix all their broken lives, but hope, she knew in her heart, was elusive, especially with Daniel gone.

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One day, while taking a drive with his wife in the desert, his car was hit head on and Daniel flew out of the driver’s seat 100 feet through the air and landed on his back in the warm desert sun. “I wish I was dead,” he said later on when he learned he was paralyzed from his waist on down, and 14 months later, he decided to take his life.

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This is a true story about my family’s journey through addiction, sickness, dying, and death. It includes playful childhood memories laced with hurt, an account of suicide, and a series of poignant dreams in the aftermath of death, which all explore philosophical questions about truth, love, and a higher power we sometimes call God.